Happiness is
by ktface3
Summary: Angela struggles with her own definition of joy, and gains some understanding in the process. Spoilers up through Moroccan Christmas.


_A/N: This is my version of what I'm really hoping will happen with the Angela/Andy/Dwight love triangle. I also love the Pam/Angela dynamic, especially when Pam tries to give Angela advice, which is why I chose to use it here. Enjoy!!_

* * *

It took a lot of guts to come back to work after Phyllis had spilled her secret. But then again, Angela was first and foremost a confident woman, and even if everyone else knew the truth about her, she still had to display herself self-assuredness in public. She strode into the office on January fifth looking prim as usual, but this time the judgmental glares she used to dole out on a daily basis were suddenly being aimed in her direction.

It made her uncomfortable and ashamed, two feelings she wasn't entirely used to.

But if only they could see her plight clearly, surely they would understand _why_ she had to behave the way she did. Andy started out as a mere ploy to annoy Dwight, to punish him for being so careless with her cat. But without realizing it, her relationship with Andy escalated so quickly that she didn't have time for a clean break. She was put on the spot with the most arduous decision of her life: marry Andy and live out the rest of her days in propriety, but not necessarily happiness, or be happy and sinful with Dwight.

If seventeen years of Sunday school had taught her anything, sinful happiness was an oxymoron. She _had_ to choose Andy, if not for anything else, then to continue her journey back to the path of righteousness. Sure, she had lived in sin for a couple of years, but with the smiting of her cat through Dwight, God had shown her the way again, and she was determined to redeem herself by any means necessary.

Of course, what she had been doing lately was even worse. Only hussies would cheat on their fiancés.

Angela paused her work for a moment to peak around the corner and glance a critical look in the receptionist's direction. Pam felt Angela's eyes on her and looked up, confused.

"What?" she asked, her tone harsh.

"Oh, nothing," Angela smirked back. It felt good to criticize her old standby.

"You know Angela," Pam said in a whisper only the two of them could hear, "I'm not leading _my_ fiancé on, so maybe you should keep those looks to yourself."

Angela's eyes went wide in shock as she watched Pam give the smallest of smirks, usually only reserved for Angela's use, and turn back to her work. Angela huffed and turned back around as well, but she could not seem to get back to her forms. Her mind drifted to Pam a few years ago, calling off her wedding to Roy for Jim. It must've taken a lot of courage, but she seemed happy now, truly happy. Angela wondered if the same thing could happen to her.

Dunder Mifflin had signed up for a company-wide instant messenger service last summer as part of Ryan's technology initiative, and as part of the service, each employee could choose his or her own username. Angela chose 'Monkey,' a pet name that Dwight used to call her and that she thought was fun and yet still work appropriate. She now regretted that decision immensely, and consequentially was never on the instant messaging service unless she had to conduct obligatory business with another branch or with corporate. But today, she was just desperate enough to give it a try. She signed on to the instant messenger service and found just who she needed to talk to.

**Monkey:** Pam, I'm very sorry I glared at you.**  
Receptionitis15:** Why didn't you just tell me that in person? I'm right here.

_Receptionitis15_, Angela scoffed, _what kind of name is that?_

**Monkey:** Because you need to apologize for what you said as well, and I thought you would be too embarrassed to do it in person.**  
Receptionitis15:** Fair assumption, but I'm not going to apologize. I'm only pointing out what you _know_ is true.**  
Monkey:** I don't know what you're talking—

**Nard Dog:** Hey honey, wanna grab lunch today?

_Andy_, Angela growled as she gave a quick glance in his direction. He had an idiotic smile on his face and was giving her two thumbs up. She sighed and sent him a quick reply.

**Monkey:** I am communicating with someone about important business. We will discuss this later.**  
Nard Dog:** Okay sweetness. Love you!!

Angela shook her head and wondered what had ever possessed her to agree to date him in the first place. She deleted what she was about to say to Pam, and instead decided to grudgingly fess up to her crimes.

**Monkey:** Yes, fine. As difficult as it is for me to admit it, I am having a great deal of relationship trouble. But I am imploring you to help me. You have experienced everything I am being put through, so surely you understand the choices I have to make. Will you help me?

Angela waited for a long moment, growing anxious for a reply. She almost wondered if she should check on Pam to see if she had received the message at all, but before she could peek her head over the partition, Pam's reply came.

**Receptionitis15:** Sure, I'll help you.**  
Monkey:** Thank you.**  
Receptionitis15:** But first, you have to understand that what you're doing is way, _way_ worse than what I did. If you admit that, then I'll gladly help you.

Angela was stunned. She couldn't agree to that. She still had all four of her Pam Pong notebooks in her bottom drawer.

**Monkey:** Pam, don't lie to yourself. You know that's not true. You both may walk on the path of righteousness _now_, but both you and Jim lived a life of sin for _years_ before you broke off your engagement.**  
Receptionitis15:** Is that what you think?**  
Monkey:** It's what I know.**  
Receptionitis15:** You don't know anything.

With that, Pam rose and silently stomped off toward the kitchen. Angela watched as Pam shakily poured herself a cup of coffee and tried to take a sip. But even that proved to be too much, for she abruptly set her cup of coffee down and rushed into the bathroom.

Not wanting to burn the last possible bridge that she had, Angela moved swiftly from her seat in Accounting to the women's bathroom, finding Pam leaning over the sink. Angela didn't say anything, but felt like she had an apologetic look on her face. She hoped it came across that way.

Pam sighed and splashed some water on her face, taking her time to collect herself before addressing Angela. "I haven't thought about what I went through in a really long time," she choked out, the memories almost too painful for her.

"Please," Angela said, desperation clear in her voice, "I thought I knew what I was talking about, but obviously I don't have a clue. I still need your help—"

"I _can't_ help you," Pam replied sternly as she took a step forward, trying to escape. But Angela was not going to let her get away that easy.

"I assumed. It was wrong. But what am I supposed to think when you admit that you called off your wedding for him?"

"You're supposed to think it's none of your business!" Pam told her forcefully. She let out a frustrated groan and turned back toward the sink to calm down. Finally, after a long silence, she continued, "Because it _wasn't_ your business. Just like it's not my business to know about you and Dwight. But… maybe we need to get _both_ of our stories straight, just so neither one of us assumes anything more."

Angela sighed and nodded her head, "Yes. I would like that. But…"

"But?"

"I can't say what I need to say out loud," Angela admitted. "Let's please go back to instant messenger."

After long moment of silence, Pam agreed, "Okay." Angela smiled a tight-lipped grin and left the bathroom, followed a few minutes later by Pam. They both returned to their seats and settled in, and resumed their conversation a few minutes later.

**Monkey:** So please, tell me what happened.**  
Receptionitis15:** Well… I was ambushed, really. I suppose everyone else saw it but me, but when Jim told me how he felt, I was just blindsided by it. I had no idea that he wanted more than just my friendship. Until then, that's all I thought we were, friends.

Angela couldn't believe it at first—perhaps it was a white lie Pam had convinced herself to be true—but she had promised to be honest, and so Angela simply accepted her version of the story.

**Monkey:** Yes, I remember you telling me that. At the time I thought you were just lying and being defensive.**  
Receptionitis15:** That wasn't it at all. Maybe it seemed that way because we were so close, you know? That he and I were so much closer than I ever was to Roy…**  
Receptionitis15:** Like, he would go on dates with girls, and I would be really critical of them because I thought I knew what was best for him. But really, I just couldn't admit to myself that, well… _I_ was best for him.**  
Monkey:** I see.**  
Receptionitis15:** But I never acted on those feelings. At the end of the day, we were always just really good friends. And that's why I was so shocked when he told me.**  
Receptionitis15:** At first I told him no.**  
Monkey:** You did?**  
Receptionitis15:** Yeah, I told him that I couldn't possibly break off my engagement to Roy. I thought I was happy, like I was finally getting the life I had always wanted.**  
Monkey:** Well… what on earth finally made you choose Jim over Roy?**  
Receptionitis15:** Well, it's not like I chose Jim _instead_ of Roy. I mean, it took Jim and I a year to get together after I called off my wedding. I just… started questioning how my life would be with Roy, and I knew I wouldn't _really_ be happy with myself.

Angela glanced away from her screen for a moment, knowing Pam's words made a lot of sense. She tried to picture being happy with Andy after their marriage, but just could not persuade herself to think that she'd be as happy with him as she had been with Dwight. Even now, the moments when she truly felt joy with Andy were few and far between. She glanced back up and saw Pam had finished her explanation.

**Receptionitis15:** So I called off the wedding, did some soul-searching I suppose you could call it, and then figured out that the person that I did want was Jim.

This made Angela stop and second-guess Pam's little story. She remembered when Jim came back from Stamford, how she would try to flirt with him in the break room, everything with Roy and Dwight's heroic behavior, and even what she had said at the beach. She had to call her out on her actions, because there was no way she was going to administer advice when she was lying about her own encounters.

**Monkey:** But you said at the beach that you called off your wedding _because_ of him. You can't expect me to believe all this when you said that.**  
Receptionitis15:** I called off my wedding because of what he _did_. He made me question my life, and made me realize that I didn't want the path I was heading down. I wanted a lot of things Roy wouldn't support me in, and that alone was enough to make me realize that I couldn't marry him.**  
Receptionitis15:** And after Jim had moved away, I missed him so much that it made me realize that I loved him too, and wanted more than friendship. His actions were what influenced me to call off my wedding and make all those changes in my life.

"Angela," Oscar said, breaking her train of thought. Angela quickly minimized her conversation with Pam and looked over in Oscar's direction. "Um, here are those purchase orders you asked for."

"Thank you," she replied half-heartedly, grabbing the files from his hand and setting them on her desk before turning back to her computer. She noticed out of the corner of her eye the strange look Oscar was giving her, but she didn't care. She was fascinated by all Pam had gone through, but was still very scared of her own predicament. She needed a few answers.

**Monkey:** Was it difficult to call off your wedding?**  
Receptionitis15:** Kind of. We lost a lot of money on food, flowers, the venue, stuff like that. It was harder to face my family though, and his. I was really close with his mom, and she hasn't spoken to me since.**  
Monkey:** Were you scared?**  
Receptionitis15:** Are you kidding? I was terrified! I had to move into my own apartment and figure out all the things that Roy had always done for me. And I had to face everyone here too. That was probably the worst.

Angela sighed remorsefully. She knew she had been a lot of the problem right after her wedding had been called off. Calling her names like 'the office mattress' probably didn't help her conviction.

**Monkey:** I'm sorry if we were unkind.**  
Receptionitis15:** It's okay. It was really difficult the first few months, but once I started living life for me and not for this… "perfect marriage," I started to be a lot happier with myself.**  
Monkey:** And that was before you even started actually dating Jim.**  
Receptionitis15:** Well, yeah. I was taking art classes, I had a cute new car, I was painting my apartment whatever colors I wanted to… it was great.

As she read Pam's words on the screen, her mind was flooded with memories she thought had been long gone from her mind. Attending the early church service on Sundays. Grooming each of her cats for an hour every day. Weeks devoted to party planning. All of it had gone out the window once she had gotten a man in her life.

And while she had learned to love her lazy Sunday mornings with Dwight or tending to Mose instead of her cats, she realized she missed all the things she had left behind in her single life. She hadn't even thought about picking up the habits again once Andy came into the picture because by then they were so foreign to her. And that, Angela decided for herself, was the kind of self-neglect she couldn't stand for anymore. It was the final straw.

**Monkey:** Thank you Pam. You have been a big help.**  
Receptionitis15:** Well, do you need to talk through anything?**  
Monkey:** No. You sharing your story made me realize what I need to do.**  
Receptionitis15:** Okay, well… glad I could help, I guess.

With that, Angela signed off the instant messaging service, satisfied with what she had figured out. She got up from her seat and strode over to Andy, who looked up at her with puppy dog eyes. She cringed at the sight.

"Andy, I would like you to take me to lunch."

"Okay… but, it's only 11."

Angela sighed, "Well I would like an _early_ lunch, if that's okay."

"Uh, well, sure my darlin'," Andy said, getting up and scrambling for his coat. "Whatever you say." As he and Angela walked out of the office together, Angela swore she could feel every pair of eyes on her. She only chose to make eye contact with one other person though, and as she walked past her desk, Angela could have sworn she saw Pam wink at her. It was oddly comforting, like Pam was assuring her she would be okay, no matter what the outcome would be.

… … …

Angela returned from lunch alone, and without an engagement ring on her finger. She informed Michael of what happened, and explained that Andy was too distraught from their break up to return to work that day. Michael was understanding enough, but quickly shooed her out of his office in order to call Andy and ask him if he wanted to have a bachelor's night out. Despite the events of the day, Angela could still count on the fact that her boss was a buffoon.

… … …

It was nearing the end of the day, and Angela found herself in the kitchen eating a bag of carrot sticks when Dwight walked into the room. They made the slightest hint of eye contact before she lowered her head and focused on her snack.

"So," Dwight started in, trying unsuccessfully to make small talk, "you finally called off your wedding."

By this point in the day she had already gotten questioned by just about everyone in the office, but when Dwight asked it, she felt like all the reasonable, rational answers she had perfected throughout the afternoon had fallen out of her head.

"Yes," she finally managed to say. "Andy and I want different things in a marriage. We could never be happy."

"Oh. Well… what are you looking for in a marriage?" Dwight asked, failing desperately at being nonchalant.

Angela sighed. She knew Dwight wasn't going to like this answer. "I don't know what I want yet. I haven't focused on myself in so long that I've forgotten what I want. But once I know, I'll let you know."

Dwight was left speechless as Angela threw away her now empty plastic bag and sauntered back to Accounting. For the first time in over a year, she was feeling good about the choices she was making, and almost felt born into the Lord's presence again. She felt elated to be back in His good graces.

… … …

Right as she was about to shut down her computer, Pam heard the ding of her inbox, signaling that she had new mail. She glanced quickly at what it was and was surprised by what she saw. She opened it up and clicked on the link, and was greeted to a small cartoon cat playing with some yarn. The message below it read:

_Pam—_

_Thank you for giving me understanding and peace of mind. As you know by now, I have called off my engagement to Andy, but what you may not know is that I have not gotten back with Dwight either. I am gong to take time for myself, much like you did, and then I will know what my heart truly wants. May our gracious Lord bless and keep you._

_—__Angela_

Pam was stunned, and for a moment didn't realize Jim standing at her desk waiting for her. She was actually startled when he reached out and grabbed her shoulder. She gasped when he did.

"Oh. Sorry. You just looked like you were in a trace or something," he told her apologetically. "What are you looking at?"

Pam quickly closed the window and shut her computer off. "Oh, nothing. Ready to go?"

"You sure that was nothing?" he inquired, bearing his trademark grin.

"Yeah, just girl stuff. You wouldn't understand."

"Fair enough," he said, slinging his messenger bag over his shoulder and handing her coat to her.

"Jim… do you ever wonder what it would've been like if I had said yes to you that night that you told me how you felt about me?" she asked softly as they walked out the door to the elevator.

"Uh, well I guess… I don't know. I would've been happier a lot sooner, but… I don't know. I think it was good that you took some time to really make sure that… you know."

Pam smirked, "Do I know?"

"That you really wanted… all of _this_," he told her, strutting into the elevator. She laughed at his antics and quickly joined him, smacking his arm playfully.

"Well, I do, for some crazy reason. And I'm happy," she ruled. "Are you happy?"

The elevator doors opened to the main floor and they stepped out, bracing themselves for the cold winter air. Jim sighed, almost wistfully, and finally told her, "I'm… _so_ happy."

They exchanged a contented smile and walked out into the parking lot, Pam's thoughts drifting to Angela and Dwight. After following their relationship from its inception, she hoped one day that they too could be happy. As infuriating as Angela could be sometimes, Pam knew even she deserved happiness, and Pam felt confident that Angela's happiness would come soon.

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_Drop me a review, won't you?_


End file.
